How to date when you have an anxious attachment style
Just because Valentine’s Day has passed, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about this. As humans, we are made for relationships, but let’s be honest, sometimes dating can be hard. Do you ever feel like you constantly need reassurance from your partner? Or maybe you’re terrified of losing them? You might even feel dependent on your partner for many things, including your self-worth. If this is the case, you may have an anxious attachment style.
What is the anxious attachment style?
Anxious attachment style is one of the four main attachment styles. It is also sometimes referred to as preoccupied attachment. This insecure attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for meaningful relationships, a pattern of anxiety and fear of abandonment, and a constant need for closeness and reassurance in your relationship. It may seem “clingy” or “needy” or even “untrustworthy” at times.
Research shows that nearly 19% of adults have an anxious attachment style. It consists of having very negative thoughts about yourself, but the most positive (and sometimes, overbearing) thoughts about your partner. This can create conflict in relationships and it often leads to driving your partner away due to your “neediness”. And you guessed it, this increases feeling insecure in future relationships!
Don’t worry though, this is a common pattern that can be treated and managed!
What causes an anxious attachment style?
Now let’s talk about why you may have an anxious attachment style. These feelings and behaviours could stem from different places.
Research shows that as babies, when our caregivers are not consistent in meeting our needs, we are more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. Sometimes these caregivers may be very nurturing and other times dismissive. As babies, we learn that this means we may or may not get the physical or emotional attention we need, thus creating an insecurity and need for reassurance within. These feelings carry on into our adult relationships.
Other causes could be resentment from other adult relationships, lack of closure in relationships, or trauma.
Dating someone who has an anxious attachment style
There’s a lot of benefits to dating someone who has a more anxious attachment style. They tend to be very loving, caring, and selfless. It can be great to know that someone deeply loves and needs you; however, it can get to the point where it feels suffocating. Here are some tips for dating someone with an anxious attachment style:
Validate their feelings: You might be afraid that if you validate your partner’s emotions, that they will get more emotional. However, the opposite is usually true. Acknowledging how they feel, even when you don’t agree with them, will almost always decrease the intensity of the emotion. Remember, validation is just naming how they feel, not saying they’re right in their interpretations. Here are some examples of validation:
“It sounds like you felt anxious when I didn’t pick up your call.”
“When I was late to our date, you felt like you were being abandoned.”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
Communicate proactively: Letting someone with an anxious attachment style know things ahead of time helps them know what to expect and lowers their anxiety. Proactive communication helps them feel more reassured and connected. When you are actively communicating and clear about your feelings, it removes space for misinterpretation and builds trust.
Stick to your boundaries: Just because they feel anxious does not mean you have to change who you are. They are responsible for their own emotions and actions. Of course, be kind and considerate. But also, letting them learn to manage their emotions ultimately helps them grow. One of the beautiful things about relationships is that they are the best places to learn and grow both individually and as a couple.
How to deal with an anxious attachment style?
Dealing with conflict and improving your relationships can be hard, but it is important to note that it is possible. One of the first things to improve on is your own self-awareness. By understanding what anxious attachment style is and knowing what can cause it, you can begin to heal from your past, identify your triggers, and learn how to better connect with your partner. The truth is, having these needs does not make you “needy”. We can help you learn to balance taking care of yourself in order to have a fair give-and-take relationship.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify what triggers your intense emotions, it can help you develop coping strategies, and provide you with resources to better express and communicate your emotions or needs. Therapists who are knowledgeable about CBT can provide a safe space to work through each of these things.
A therapist can also help you work through building up your self-esteem through mindfulness techniques. It is important to remember that while humans are built for relationships, we are each individually responsible for our feelings and behaviors. You can learn to love yourself, as well as other people. Loving yourself is not selfish, and loving others does not mean you have to abandon your own needs.
At Tamarasa Therapy, we would like you to know that you are not alone! We want to help you grow individually so that you can experience your best life with your partner. We would love to help you work towards a healthy secure attachment because relationships should have healthy boundaries and mutual support!
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References
Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Adult Relationships. (2024). Students. https://students.ouhsc.edu/Campus-Life/Student-Wellness/Wellness-Articles/attachment-styles-and-their-impact-on-adult-relationships
Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2009). The first 10,000 Adult Attachment Interviews: distributions of adult attachment representations in clinical and non-clinical groups. Attachment & Human Development, 11(3), 223–263. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730902814762
Cleveland Clinic. (2022, September 23). The 4 Attachment Styles and How They Impact You. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles
Clinic, C. (2024, December 27). What Is Anxious Attachment Style — and Do You Have It? Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/anxious-attachment-style
