How to date when you have an avoidant attachment style
Picture this: You and your partner are on a nice date. You’re having fun, light-hearted conversations. Laughing with each other and enjoying the moment. Next thing you know, your partner asks about the future. You just shut down. You don’t want to think about the future together, you aren’t even sure if you were looking for something serious but you don’t know how to tell them. You might have done this a few times before, yet you can’t understand why. Truthfully, you may have an avoidant attachment style.
What is the avoidant attachment style?
Avoidant attachment is one of the four main attachment styles. It is an insecure type of attachment characterized by avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, having commitment issues, and a guarded heart. Due to the tight boundaries, it can sometimes lead to difficulty in building long lasting relationships.
Sometimes it can be hard to open up to others. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style want to feel love and build connections, yet their core beliefs can hinder that. These individuals may have many friendships and relationships, however they typically remain very surface level, if you will. Having difficulty trusting others, suppressing your emotions, and socially excluding yourself from deep connections can lead to difficulties in relationships.
It’s okay to desire some independence, however when it comes to relationships, there has to be a balance so that you can build that connection with someone.
Why do I have an avoidant attachment style?
Understanding why you shut yourself out and struggle with emotional closeness can be difficult. It’s important to note that many of our childhood experiences determine the type of attachment style we have. Let’s talk about why you may be experiencing these things:
Growing up you may have been taught that you cannot rely on others or that it is not important to talk about your feelings. You might not have received that emotional support or care that a child needs. This probably means that you had to become independent at a very young age. These things can all lead to negative core beliefs about others. Our caregivers are responsible for a lot when we are young and if they didn’t create an environment where emotional openness was accepted, it carries on into our adult relationships.
Sometimes we develop an avoidant attachment style later in life. Sometimes when we have had difficult romantic relationships, friendships or connections, we will pull away. Let’s be clear though: Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style might look different, but it is totally possible. We all express our love differently and it’s important to understand your partner.
Dating someone who has an avoidant attachment style
Believe it or not, there are benefits to dating someone who has a more avoidant attachment style. They tend to be desirable due to their own self-assurance, they are logical, they also understand the need for space because they desire boundaries themselves. All of these traits can be great, however there comes a time in relationships where you desire more. More connection, more love shown, and more understanding of each other. Here are some tips for dating someone with an avoidant attachment style:
Practice vulnerability: Be willing to open up to make connections. This can be scary, right? Being vulnerable increases the risk for hurt, however lack of willingness to be vulnerable can lead to loneliness. Start by creating a calm space where you allow for emotional expression for once. We are all loveable in some way. Taking the time to go past that surface level connection is important.
Communicate presently: Being present and openly communicating with your partner is essential. Don’t we all desire this in some way? Showing someone with an avoidant attachment style that you are present and communicating with them helps remove those common misconceptions they feel surrounding deep connection with others.
Maintain boundaries: We are not here to change who someone is. It is okay to create boundaries. It’s when those boundaries block growth in our relationship that we need to reevaluate them. Helping your partner through the process of learning these things can help you better understand them and ultimately deepen your connection.
How to deal with an avoidant attachment style
If you have an avoidant attachment style, healing and growth are possible. The first step is understanding what an avoidant attachment style is. Truth is, you’re heading in the right direction just by reading this article, so great job! Next, find a therapist who can help you learn to tune into your own emotions and needs, but also help you grow in your relationships. Our therapists at Tamarasa Therapy provide a safe space to do all of these things! By using Cognitive behavioral therapy we can identify negative thoughts and behaviors and use techniques to alter them. We can help you build those secure attachments that allow for deeper connections with your partner!
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References
Clinic, C. (2024, December 13). Is Avoidant Attachment Style Getting in the Way of Your Relationships? Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style
Levine, H. (2021, March 9). What Is Avoidant Attachment? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment
The Attachment Project. (2020). Avoidant attachment style - learn the causes and symptoms. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
The Attachment Project. (2023, June 11). Avoidant Attachment Style: Benefits and Advantages. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEGaz3Gwa9Q
