The Tamarasa Therapy Blog
How to date someone with a secure attachment style
Welcome back! We have reached our final attachment style! Previously, we have focused on the three insecure attachment styles, but this week we will talk about the secure attachment style. Let’s jump right into learning about how having a positive self-image, trust in others, and being authentically vulnerable leads to having a deeply meaningful relationship.
What is the secure attachment style?
Secure attachment is one of the main four attachment styles. However, this attachment style is unlike the others as it is characterized by more positive traits. Secure attachment style presents as having a positive view of yourself, trusting others, and being comfortable with intimacy. It’s feeling safe, valued, and secure.
Research shows that nearly 66% of society has a secure attachment style. I’m sure you’re wondering if you have this attachment style or if you’re capable of developing it. So, let’s look at some of the characteristics and dive deeper into understanding them.
Being self-content: Being able to love yourself is essential in relationships. When you are able to love and become confident in yourself and your life goals, you become more comfortable with your partner. Loving yourself is not selfish, it means you have self-compassion and can be secure in your relationship! Afterall, we are all made for relationships.
Being able to regulate emotions: Knowing how to practice mindfulness in order to regulate your emotions is important, especially when you are in a relationship. Relationships are give and take. You should be able to seek emotional support from your partner and also give the emotional support they need. This creates trust and healthy boundaries.
Being able to be vulnerable: Being vulnerable means being willing to go beyond surface level conversations in order to build deeper connections. It can be hard to reveal all parts of yourself, however it is key to growing and building a relationship.
Being able to openly communicate: We’ve all heard “Communication is key” and that statement is incredibly true. Communication allows you to express your emotions, needs, and allows for solving conflict in a respectful manner. Openly communicating is a space for validation and active listening. Another give and take example, if you will.
How did I develop a secure attachment style?
As we have previously discussed, attachment styles begin developing as children. When we are born we naturally rely on our parents to meet our needs. As children, one of the most important things is that we feel safe and secure. We also crave attention, meaning that we want to be safe and known. If our parents know how to read our cues, we feel like we have control of our lives. This is the first time we ever feel that. Another important concept is that our parents make us feel comforted. Handling distressing situations can be hard, and as children we begin learning how to do this based on how our parents reassured us. Lastly, being valued and supported is important to any of us. When we don’t get that in our childhood, it affects our adult relationships.
Don’t worry though, if these childhood feelings don’t resonate with you, you can still work towards a secure attachment style!
How to date someone who has a secure attachment style
Let’s be honest here, no relationship is perfect. Having a secure attachment style means that when you communicate you are able to solve problems rather than avoiding them. It means that you are able to open up and learn how to bond with your partner beyond the surface level. It means you understand the importance of relationships and work through those hard moments together by actively communicating and setting boundaries.
Secure attachment style does not mean your relationship will always be easy. We can all agree relationships can be hard, but when you find the right balance you can have a healthy, secure relationship. Honestly, a secure attachment style might mean there are more emotions felt throughout the relationship, however you learn how to tackle situations together, on the same team, rather than apart. It is important to know that we are supposed to feel all emotions as humans, even the hard ones. We are also built for relationships. Let us at Tamarasa Therapy help you work towards a secure attachment style because you deserve that!
Free 20 Minute Consultation
References
The 4 Attachment Styles and How They Impact You. (2022, September 23). Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles
The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Secure Attachment: The 5 Conditions Required for Every Child. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/
How to date when you have a disorganized attachment style
Hey there! Back again with another attachment style… I hope you’ve learned a few things in our past couple of blogs! This week we’re talking about the last insecure type of attachment. Do you find it hard to trust your partner but don’t know why? Do you fear rejection? Maybe you don’t know how to express your feelings. Maybe you don’t even think you are capable of loving someone or being loved. These feelings can be hard to digest. You guessed it, it may be a type of attachment style you developed. Let’s dive right into learning about the disorganized attachment style.
What is the disorganized attachment style?
Disorganized attachment is one of the four main attachment styles. Sometimes it’s called fearful-avoidant attachment. It is an insecure type of attachment characterized by fear of closeness and abandonment. It can sometimes cause behaviors that are hard to predict. For example, someone with this attachment style may crave a loving relationship, but they fear it so they will become anxious or avoidant.
This type of attachment style combines characteristics of the other two attachment styles we’ve already discussed (See other blog posts: Anxious & Avoidant Attachment). If you have an anxious attachment style you may “cling” to your partner, and in an avoidant attachment you may remain very closed off. If you have a disorganized attachment style you do both, hence why it can be hard to predict your behaviors.
Craving an intimate relationship but being deeply terrified at the same time can be hard. We have to understand why we feel this way. As we continue on we’ll talk about what has caused you to be this way, the signs you can look for, and how to get help. That relationship you crave so intensely can be healthy and happy, don’t worry!
Why do I have a disorganized attachment style?
As children, we rely on our parents to take care of us. Our attachment style is actually based on how they meet our needs. When the person we innately desire and need the most becomes someone we fear, this attachment style develops. That security is taken away and you are now fearful of this person. You want to avoid them. And this is exactly what it looks like in your adult relationships now. This childhood trauma over time has disrupted your ability to think positively of yourself and others.
Some signs to look out for in yourself are:
Fear of rejection
Hard time relying on partner
Finding it difficult to be vulnerable with your partner
Feeling unlovable or not believing your partner when they say “I love you”
Difficulty regulating your emotions
How to date someone who has a disorganized attachment style
Dating someone with a disorganized attachment style might feel overwhelming. The uncertainty about how your partner may switch from open to closed off can be hard. However, someone who has a disorganized attachment style is capable of breaking this pattern. You can create a secure attachment style together. Here are some things you can do:
Practice compassion: Understanding that your partner acts this way due to an insecure past is important. You can show them some compassion, and also support them on their journey to learning self-compassion. This can increase their sense of self worth which ultimately leads to more security in your relationship.
“You are loved”
“You are capable of doing things”
“You are safe in this moment”
Validate their feelings: We talked about this in the anxious attachment style. You might be afraid that if you validate your partner’s emotions, that they will get more emotional. However, the opposite is usually true. Acknowledging how they feel, even when you don’t agree with them, will almost always decrease the intensity of the emotion. Remember, validation is just naming how they feel, not saying they’re right in their interpretations. Here are some examples of validation:
“It sounds like you felt anxious when I didn’t pick up your call.”
“When I was late to our date, you felt like you were being rejected.”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
Always Communicate: Always communicating with your partner is essential. We all desire to know our partners intentions. Showing someone with a disorganized attachment style that you crave a strong connection, will be open and clear about your feelings, and that you will listen to their needs can build trust.
How to deal with a disorganized attachment style
At Tamarasa Therapy, we can help you in the process of healing the underlying trauma that has caused your disorganized attachment style. A therapist can offer a safe space to help confront your mixed feelings. There are many different therapy techniques that can help you become more mindful of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. At the end of the day, we are individually responsible for those things, but once we start to love ourselves, we can love our partner deeply. Commit to working towards that secure relationship that you crave because you are capable, you are worthy, and you are lovable!
Free 20 Minute Consultation
References
Disorganized Attachment Style. (2023, June 19). https://www.simplypsychology.org/disorganized-attachment.html#Disorganized-Attachment-Signs-in-Adults
Rachel Green. (2023, June 20). How a Disorganized Attachment Style Impacts Relationships and How to Heal. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/disorganized-attachment-in-relationships-7500701
How to date when you have an avoidant attachment style
Picture this: You and your partner are on a nice date. You’re having fun, light-hearted conversations. Laughing with each other and enjoying the moment. Next thing you know, your partner asks about the future. You just shut down. You don’t want to think about the future together, you aren’t even sure if you were looking for something serious but you don’t know how to tell them. You might have done this a few times before, yet you can’t understand why. Truthfully, you may have an avoidant attachment style.
What is the avoidant attachment style?
Avoidant attachment is one of the four main attachment styles. It is an insecure type of attachment characterized by avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, having commitment issues, and a guarded heart. Due to the tight boundaries, it can sometimes lead to difficulty in building long lasting relationships.
Sometimes it can be hard to open up to others. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style want to feel love and build connections, yet their core beliefs can hinder that. These individuals may have many friendships and relationships, however they typically remain very surface level, if you will. Having difficulty trusting others, suppressing your emotions, and socially excluding yourself from deep connections can lead to difficulties in relationships.
It’s okay to desire some independence, however when it comes to relationships, there has to be a balance so that you can build that connection with someone.
Why do I have an avoidant attachment style?
Understanding why you shut yourself out and struggle with emotional closeness can be difficult. It’s important to note that many of our childhood experiences determine the type of attachment style we have. Let’s talk about why you may be experiencing these things:
Growing up you may have been taught that you cannot rely on others or that it is not important to talk about your feelings. You might not have received that emotional support or care that a child needs. This probably means that you had to become independent at a very young age. These things can all lead to negative core beliefs about others. Our caregivers are responsible for a lot when we are young and if they didn’t create an environment where emotional openness was accepted, it carries on into our adult relationships.
Sometimes we develop an avoidant attachment style later in life. Sometimes when we have had difficult romantic relationships, friendships or connections, we will pull away. Let’s be clear though: Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style might look different, but it is totally possible. We all express our love differently and it’s important to understand your partner.
Dating someone who has an avoidant attachment style
Believe it or not, there are benefits to dating someone who has a more avoidant attachment style. They tend to be desirable due to their own self-assurance, they are logical, they also understand the need for space because they desire boundaries themselves. All of these traits can be great, however there comes a time in relationships where you desire more. More connection, more love shown, and more understanding of each other. Here are some tips for dating someone with an avoidant attachment style:
Practice vulnerability: Be willing to open up to make connections. This can be scary, right? Being vulnerable increases the risk for hurt, however lack of willingness to be vulnerable can lead to loneliness. Start by creating a calm space where you allow for emotional expression for once. We are all loveable in some way. Taking the time to go past that surface level connection is important.
Communicate presently: Being present and openly communicating with your partner is essential. Don’t we all desire this in some way? Showing someone with an avoidant attachment style that you are present and communicating with them helps remove those common misconceptions they feel surrounding deep connection with others.
Maintain boundaries: We are not here to change who someone is. It is okay to create boundaries. It’s when those boundaries block growth in our relationship that we need to reevaluate them. Helping your partner through the process of learning these things can help you better understand them and ultimately deepen your connection.
How to deal with an avoidant attachment style
If you have an avoidant attachment style, healing and growth are possible. The first step is understanding what an avoidant attachment style is. Truth is, you’re heading in the right direction just by reading this article, so great job! Next, find a therapist who can help you learn to tune into your own emotions and needs, but also help you grow in your relationships. Our therapists at Tamarasa Therapy provide a safe space to do all of these things! By using Cognitive behavioral therapy we can identify negative thoughts and behaviors and use techniques to alter them. We can help you build those secure attachments that allow for deeper connections with your partner!
Free 20 Minute Consultation
References
Clinic, C. (2024, December 13). Is Avoidant Attachment Style Getting in the Way of Your Relationships? Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoidant-attachment-style
Levine, H. (2021, March 9). What Is Avoidant Attachment? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment
The Attachment Project. (2020). Avoidant attachment style - learn the causes and symptoms. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
The Attachment Project. (2023, June 11). Avoidant Attachment Style: Benefits and Advantages. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEGaz3Gwa9Q
How to date when you have an anxious attachment style
Just because Valentine’s Day has passed, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about this. As humans, we are made for relationships, but let’s be honest, sometimes dating can be hard. Do you ever feel like you constantly need reassurance from your partner? Or maybe you’re terrified of losing them? You might even feel dependent on your partner for many things, including your self-worth. If this is the case, you may have an anxious attachment style.
What is the anxious attachment style?
Anxious attachment style is one of the four main attachment styles. It is also sometimes referred to as preoccupied attachment. This insecure attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for meaningful relationships, a pattern of anxiety and fear of abandonment, and a constant need for closeness and reassurance in your relationship. It may seem “clingy” or “needy” or even “untrustworthy” at times.
Research shows that nearly 19% of adults have an anxious attachment style. It consists of having very negative thoughts about yourself, but the most positive (and sometimes, overbearing) thoughts about your partner. This can create conflict in relationships and it often leads to driving your partner away due to your “neediness”. And you guessed it, this increases feeling insecure in future relationships!
Don’t worry though, this is a common pattern that can be treated and managed!
What causes an anxious attachment style?
Now let’s talk about why you may have an anxious attachment style. These feelings and behaviours could stem from different places.
Research shows that as babies, when our caregivers are not consistent in meeting our needs, we are more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. Sometimes these caregivers may be very nurturing and other times dismissive. As babies, we learn that this means we may or may not get the physical or emotional attention we need, thus creating an insecurity and need for reassurance within. These feelings carry on into our adult relationships.
Other causes could be resentment from other adult relationships, lack of closure in relationships, or trauma.
Dating someone who has an anxious attachment style
There’s a lot of benefits to dating someone who has a more anxious attachment style. They tend to be very loving, caring, and selfless. It can be great to know that someone deeply loves and needs you; however, it can get to the point where it feels suffocating. Here are some tips for dating someone with an anxious attachment style:
Validate their feelings: You might be afraid that if you validate your partner’s emotions, that they will get more emotional. However, the opposite is usually true. Acknowledging how they feel, even when you don’t agree with them, will almost always decrease the intensity of the emotion. Remember, validation is just naming how they feel, not saying they’re right in their interpretations. Here are some examples of validation:
“It sounds like you felt anxious when I didn’t pick up your call.”
“When I was late to our date, you felt like you were being abandoned.”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
Communicate proactively: Letting someone with an anxious attachment style know things ahead of time helps them know what to expect and lowers their anxiety. Proactive communication helps them feel more reassured and connected. When you are actively communicating and clear about your feelings, it removes space for misinterpretation and builds trust.
Stick to your boundaries: Just because they feel anxious does not mean you have to change who you are. They are responsible for their own emotions and actions. Of course, be kind and considerate. But also, letting them learn to manage their emotions ultimately helps them grow. One of the beautiful things about relationships is that they are the best places to learn and grow both individually and as a couple.
How to deal with an anxious attachment style?
Dealing with conflict and improving your relationships can be hard, but it is important to note that it is possible. One of the first things to improve on is your own self-awareness. By understanding what anxious attachment style is and knowing what can cause it, you can begin to heal from your past, identify your triggers, and learn how to better connect with your partner. The truth is, having these needs does not make you “needy”. We can help you learn to balance taking care of yourself in order to have a fair give-and-take relationship.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify what triggers your intense emotions, it can help you develop coping strategies, and provide you with resources to better express and communicate your emotions or needs. Therapists who are knowledgeable about CBT can provide a safe space to work through each of these things.
A therapist can also help you work through building up your self-esteem through mindfulness techniques. It is important to remember that while humans are built for relationships, we are each individually responsible for our feelings and behaviors. You can learn to love yourself, as well as other people. Loving yourself is not selfish, and loving others does not mean you have to abandon your own needs.
At Tamarasa Therapy, we would like you to know that you are not alone! We want to help you grow individually so that you can experience your best life with your partner. We would love to help you work towards a healthy secure attachment because relationships should have healthy boundaries and mutual support!
Free 20 Minute Consultation
References
Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Adult Relationships. (2024). Students. https://students.ouhsc.edu/Campus-Life/Student-Wellness/Wellness-Articles/attachment-styles-and-their-impact-on-adult-relationships
Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2009). The first 10,000 Adult Attachment Interviews: distributions of adult attachment representations in clinical and non-clinical groups. Attachment & Human Development, 11(3), 223–263. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730902814762
Cleveland Clinic. (2022, September 23). The 4 Attachment Styles and How They Impact You. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles
Clinic, C. (2024, December 27). What Is Anxious Attachment Style — and Do You Have It? Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/anxious-attachment-style
Why am I so sensitive? 5 ways your biology makes it hard to control your emotions
Life can feel overwhelming. One minute you’re on top of the world and the next you are feeling an array of emotions. Sad, angry, anxious, or maybe you’re just being too sensitive? I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase before, “You’re just being sensitive”. The truth is that might not be the case. Each of us experience and respond to emotions differently. In fact, your biology could be the very thing that is causing your over-sensitivity.
Emotionally sensitive people are known to experience intense emotions regularly and for longer periods of time. Some reasons for this could be stress, trauma, underlying health conditions, hormones, genetics and lack of sleep. Being emotionally sensitive could also be a symptom of a mental health disorder such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or a personality disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder.
In order to understand why this is the case, you must look at the Biosocial Theory of social work. The biosocial approach conceptualizes the biological and social structuring of everyone’s life. Basically, your social, cultural, economic, and biological makeup help determine your well-being. Let’s take a look at 5 ways your biology makes it hard to control your emotions.
Your Brain Structure
Did you know that your emotions arise from a part of your brain called the amygdala? This is where your brain processes an event and emotionally responds. Typically, those who have experienced traumatic events, especially at a younger age, have a more difficult time processing emotions. Think about it, if you have ever lived in a state of constant fear, this becomes a normal part of your life and your brain loses its ability to detect the proper emotions. Therefore, you may be sensitive. This is your biological structure.
Your Environment
Now think about how you grew up. Where are you now? Your environment can play a big role in how you control your emotions. Maybe life has been difficult for you and because of this you feel everything more deeply. That is okay! Talking with a therapist can help you work through trauma and environmental factors that have made you feel as though you are overly sensitive.
Your Social Networks
The people you surround yourself with determine how you regulate emotions. Do you find yourself being encouraged by your friends and family? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you feel as though you’re always competing with others. Maybe you're seeking constant reassurance. It might mean it’s time to evaluate your social networks because surrounding yourself with people who cause stressors can make you overly sensitive.
Your Behaviors
From a young age everyone begins learning behavioral skills. When there is a disconnect between your emotions and behaviors, you tend to respond negatively. You might overreact to situations. It might be hard for you to experience a situation, consciously or unconsciously process it, and then act on it. You have to ground yourself in order to behave appropriately, especially in situations where you deal with difficult emotions.
Your Life Experiences
Once again, I’d like you to take a minute and reflect. What experiences have you faced that impact your daily life? While some may have a positive experience come to mind, others may be thinking of a not so happy time in their life. This helps explain why your biology can make it hard to control your emotions. The reality is that everyone comes from many diverse backgrounds, where they have experienced life in many different ways. Of course everyone is going to control their emotions differently, and sometimes it may seem as though you’re just sensitive but that is not the case. Your biosocial makeup contributes to your emotional sensitivity.
All that talk about emotions. How are you feeling? I hope you can be encouraged by the fact that being sensitive does not have to be a negative thing. It means you have experienced life in your own way which has caused you to deal with your emotions differently. In fact, a therapist can help you channel that “sensitive” energy into a more positive outlet. Maybe being sensitive can allow you to feel more empathy towards others instead of turmoil. You could use your sensitivity to become more self-aware. Or how about channeling your sensitivity into a place of gratitude instead, because I am sure that despite those hard days, there is something you can be grateful for.
Believe me, you’re not alone, many people wonder “Why am I so sensitive?”. Just remember that your sensitivity could come as a result of your biology. When you’re dealing with life's ups and downs and your sensitivity feels overwhelming, talk to someone. Being emotional, means being a normal human. Anyone can get better at regulating their emotions, including those of you who feel sensitive.
At Tamarasa Therapy, our therapists can empower and support you while you are overcoming hardships. Attunement and coaching on coping skills can help you understand how to regulate your emotions. Everyone deals with emotions and a therapist can help you navigate through.
Free 20-Minute Consultation
References
CDC. (2024). Managing Difficult Emotions. Emotional Well-Being. https://www.cdc.gov/emotional-well-being/managing-difficult-emotions/index.html
Cleveland Clinic. (2023, April 11). Amygdala. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/24894-amygdala
Ferguson, S. (2021, October 11). Why Am I So Sensitive? Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/why-am-i-so-sensitive#Benefits-of-being-a-highly-sensitive-person
Harris, K. M., & McDade, T. W. (2018). The biosocial approach to human development, behavior, and health across the life course. The Russell Sage Foundation Journal of the Social Sciences, 4(4), 2–26. https://doi.org/10.7758/rsf.2018.4.4.01
Wall, K., Kalpakci, A., Hall, K., Crist, N., & Sharp, C. (2018). An evaluation of the construct of emotional sensitivity from the perspective of emotionally sensitive people. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 5(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-018-0091-y